Intimacy and connection with other people means putting yourself out there, taking risks, and sometimes making mistakes. It's more expected that everyone will keep up with what's going on, and take the initiative to get involved if they're interested. The whole work-home thing is pretty cultural though. Most times its a yeah or no but well be home in an hour, go on and let yourself in. Attempts to join group events have gone horribly wrong (like going to lunch when someone asked, who wants to go to lunch? and realizing once I was there that the invitation was actually only for men, which I am not), which just reinforces my need for an explicit invitation. At the time we were both only working part time with some help from my student loans, and making an extra meal, possibly for all three of us, wasnt always a welcome expense. She made friends with two girls living in her apartment block, and the other two were totally fine with seeing that the other was online playing a game and inviting themselves over. Tell her, politely and kindly as you would for anyone else, that she wasnt actually invited to the event. If I overheard that Id think that A is surely going to Bs house later that day. The fact that you dont find it rude, and would love for people to do it, is valid. Keep it to ones self, I say. It imposes too much on the person who lives there. Instead they will be evasive. I think Im so hung up on this(and really, I am; I obsess over it) because when I was a teenager, I was quite unpopular. Im OK with very close friends dropping in on short notice, but Im put off by no notice Ive had friends turn up when I was sleeping before and it wasnt much fun. A no is a no. I dont mind close friends stopping by, especially if they call/text/email first to let me know theyre in the area. Its much harder to say no gently if you just want a quiet afternoon alone and someone is a block from your house wanting to come over and they can see your car in the driveway. Examples: On the link below you'll find a training series focused on how to feel at ease socially, even if you tend to overthink today. She said said I was the one getting married, I could invite whomever I wanted. You may get his favorite game and invite yourself over so that he can show you how to play. Thanks for the reply, thats really helpful to think about. There have been periods of many months for me, particularly when my mental health was poor, when I checked in with my best friends almost every day, and had they been physically available I might have asked for a hug too. Me: (Feeling the freedom to say I cant, or to say Im tired, or to say that sounds good but maybe a different day) Thanks for thinking of me! Pretty sure it didnt slip their mind. Im not sure if its germane to this issue, but I considered her until about a year ago my best friend. ". I think big expensive things get a pass on the discussing in front of others thing. I didnt know what to do and chased after her. We had keys, together a year. But I do mind when people try to invite themselves along when I already have plans, or show up unannounced when Im entertaining someone else and then give me shit about what I do on my own time, in my own house. That is also the way the kids here in our neighborhood do it, they knock but to invite the person out or over, not themselves in. But he won't care and that won't matter to him. While I think boundaries are super important, I also think that enforcing them needs to be done in a way that is reasonable. Yeah, my schedule generally involves napping for several hours in the middle of the day. Ha, intercultural differences around this kind of thing are a trip. Im not the kind of person who would appreciate a random drop by. Maybe LWs friend has been waiting for just this opportunity. 3. Ill have discomfort discussing a plan with a person if its a plan that they could conceivably have been involved with. I know my grandmother wasnt wild about it, but she clearly gave up trying to set that boundary some time in the early 1980s and ended up just expecting the rudeness. If this is true, what are some ways you think we might have more fun? He's not going to want to have you over again if he has to spend the next hour scraping bits of lasagna off the bottom of a pan. On the other hand, there are people who I know if they showed up unannounced, I would feel violated and not happy at ALL. Thats the real issue. I suspect the same general pattern still exists, because no one seems to talk about arranging playdates for teenagers. To support this ministry and help us continue to reach people all around the world click here: What's tricky about all of this is how much it depends on a mix of factors. Other people, other times in my life, not so much. Mezzanines description is honest; its just setting an agreed-upon check-in point in advanceyou need to check in and see if I want you to leave after X time, at which point I will let you know how I feel. Those are really helpful sometimes, especially if a person doesnt always realize theyre starting to feel run down unless the topic comes up. Hell no!! You may also send him a quick text message expressing your excitement to meet him and casually confirm the date ahead of time to verify the arrangements are still on track. I am an introvert. I hold the one doing the rejecting responsible for being clear. Both times, I got essentially a cant this weekend, sorry. (I think once it was out of town, and the other was busy for some reason.) She may ask you to pass her her bag or move around you to get her bag. My mother always really, REALLY hated unexpected guests and visitors, and if someone showed up unexpectedly she would be icily polite until they left and then bitch about them for hours afterwards and for the following couple of days. ), I wasnt invited! And then, if they feel differently about this issue, they say something dismissive, and then you 1) KNOW that they feel differently, and 2) can say, Im just not comfortable showing up somewhere unless I have an invitation. And thenagain, this works best if youre close, I thinkmaybe they remember to invite you in the future. An unannounced home-visit, however, doesnt have a built-in time limit, and this might be part of the reason she is not open to them. I enjoy doing that the way some people enjoy playing softball. I can still say no of course, but it becomes rather rocky when it shouldnt have to. That is outrageous! Exactly that last sentence. PS Side note to LW: you arent doing this. Sometimes it's totally fine. There was a short and unpleasant phone conversation, and I mailed her a new invite. I grew up thinking Im socially odd and terrible at body language, but it turns out Im just odd. I mean, if people need to identify and express that cleaning/not-cleaning comes with a sense of shame, go for it! He would not be able to remember to do it, would not choose a socially appropriate time and place to do it if he did remember, and would not issue an invitation that T would be able to understand, let alone accept. Later, after invites had gone out and the spares were given to the Bride, Bride told housemate to tell me I was invited verbally while at some other event. That sort of cleaning, which I know not everyone does or enjoys, is not shame based. A simple text letting him know you're looking forward to hanging out is sufficient. Ive found its best to assume people are of the former type until they explicitly tell you theyre the latter. I have pretty much had it. the idea that not being invited in no way reflects your relationship with that person? I actually thought about the nude Brazilian implications but I couldnt figure out a way to phrase it that didnt include them. Every so often there is a shitty parent who doesnt care if your kids like each other (because they dont like you or your kid for some stupid reason), but I think you get maybe four asks, versus adult arrangements. LW, it seems possible that your workmate also regards home visits as a level of intimacy that is too much for a co-worker. Ive known a lot of people who are fine with people just showing up and I know thats their thing and Im not trying to shame them and say its wrong (if anything, I envy them) but I just dont understand it! My very best friends know I am a very messy person and in the past tried to convince me that they didnt care (but I care!). I have a very good friend who does this. Me too! And I thought she didnt because she didnt answer my texts. Likewise, now that Im much older and a person who works a lot Ive found my downtime is rather more precious to me than it once was I like to spend some time alone and resent it when people barge in on that. My interpretation isnt that the world has changed to respect peoples boundaries, its that the world (as I experience it) has changed in response to technology and moving to a big city from a small town and that my anxieties havent grown less because boundaries are different, they have just shifted their arena. She almost immediately told me something along the lines of, "Great, when should we meet up at your house to play?" There has never been a point in my life where it would make me angry if friends dropped by, but I, like you, only have Red and Green flags for MY visiting them. I am also like your ex, although for a slightly different reason: I have a lot of friends who plan things a long ways out, so if I get a last-minute invitation to something, chances are good that theres already something in that time slot and I now have to choose whether or not to skip out on the thing I agreed to go to a month ago. Your cousins tantrums are telling you something, here. Some of our relatives assume that discussing plans for New Years (just as an example) means that *everyone* will be going, including people whose mothers just died and need time to grieve alone. but the child in question left my kid a quivering wreck after any play time. Im not even inviting everyone on the ministry team (I lead sung worship) there are a select few Ive invited, and there are several friends who have been invited but cant make it, and its only natural that we do discuss the wedding (its a church wedding, so obviously we discuss it in church! Think about your daily routine and determine what items you will need for going to bed and waking up. (Im sorry I have a lot of issues around this sort of thing ahahah). Seconded. I guess she liked keeping people dangling. I also feel discomfort from the other side, when Im the person who could have conceivably been involved but am not. It was obvious she was expecting an invite, but shes not a friend an acquaintance at best. On the other hand, if you tend to be a little more of a "dead weight" friend, or are actively off-putting in some way, then everyone's less likely to appreciate you trying to horn in on their plans. More like quasi-grudging, quasi-cheerful wellp, this is what society expects houses to be cleaned like, so Im getting there slowly stuff. And if that doesnt work, then simply tell him the truth. What is it about gaming people that makes them like this? Also don't give a room a complete makeover without gaining permission to do so first. Thats allowed too. so definitely think you are spot on with your advice and response here, especially about letting her be the one to reach out next. I have a particular set of habits, displayed personality traits, etc. Never, under any circumstances, ever, show up to someones house EARLY. *exception for family. Its not a thing where assumptions will actually pay off. If people are showing up uninvited at the door of someone who doesnt like it, that someone would have to have a conversation asking them not to do the thing they are doing, possibility coming across as unfriendly in the process and creating some awkward tension in the relationship. Its like, are you going to show up on time, or are you going to be there in an hour? I only have to clean ME, I do not need to scour my house for stray articles of clothing and actually go through the three piles of mail on my dining room table. First, apologize for coming over uninvited at an inconvenient time. I love her dearly and wish I could see her more, but every time she does this I get hives and feel panicky and cornered and like my inability to see her on Day X is somehow a Thing That Is My Fault and I Suck As A Friend. I chose stay and keep playing bc, as a naive young thing, I thought that being offered that option meant that option was available for me to choose. just got off the train, be there in 5 min Then they wont be surprised when I buzz them or ring the doorbell a few min later. however. When Ive broached the subject in a nonconfrontational way (using similar language) in the hopes of opening up a dialogue, I am always met with some version of, No problem, Im just busy with stuff. I mean its not only that they arent invited, but theyre excluded from the conversation almost by default. This is about my comfort in my own home and has nothing to do with catering to guests, or being proper or mannerly. If no one answers, they will then go around back and pry open a window or patio door to gain entry. But, it's still a bit strange, at least for me, to invite yourself and others to a home that isn't yours. Dont just show up. Definitely not specifically British; my knowledge is patchy, but I know of no place in either Canada or the States where it is assumed to be broadly okay to interrupt people at work. Depending on the age of the kids, you might get farther with a parent/kid invite T comes with the parent at the moment, you feed the parent tasty adult snacks and have stuff the kids can eat. All attempts to set boundaries have failed, and these attempts have actually led to her being punitive toward me for trying to tell her no or set a boundary with her about anything, and this exhausting, selfish boundary-stomping is why, when I do move away, which I have been trying to do for TEN GODDAMNED YEARS while very, very poor and very, very un(der)employed, chances are very good that she will be completely and utterly cut off until she dies. So it works better. I do that whole are we still on? thing probably anytime I have plans that were made more than a couple days in advance and dont involve tickets purchased in advance. Thats theyre decision as an adult. Ugh, yes. But arkadyrose was talking about wedding with one person and another person inserted themself into the conversation. 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