Sometimes I think that theres something that happens around the 3-6 month mark in most relationships. We dont know for sure whether or not bf goes to his parents as his first choice of weekend activities or if he is a bit wimpy in dealing with his parents and cant say no to the invitation couched in terms of well, you said you didnt have anything planned. But if that doesnt work, I think you need to accept it or move on unfortunately. It can still have a lot of randomness to it, but be bookended by specific activities. Im also curious about how far away the parents live. But sitting down, and discussing everything as if its just business doesnt sound very appealing to me. Tests are incredibly unfair to your partner, because they deserve a chance to hear what you really want and you deserve a chance to hear what they want. January 20, 2012, 9:37 am. I have been marriend two my husband for five years. muchachaenlaventana She says but I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month. So, we dont have a failure to communicate, we have a failure to reach agreement on how they should spend their weekends. January 20, 2012, 11:20 am. And unless he has something planned, he stays in reading/watching TV/listening to music until bed at midnight. Decompressing is a perfectly acceptable way to spend a weekend. silver_dragon_girl So make it clear to them in advance that they cannot come unannounced, that you cannot go to their place every weekend, and if you want to celebrate a holiday yourself, that is your business. Im not sure how much leverage she has with the parents. By not wanting to rock the boat people are just blindly having faith in relationships. Also, the ex use to work on a project, like something with his old truck or building something, or whatever, and I would sit outside by him and read, which is something I enjoyed doing. June 18, 2014, 11:51 am. leilani If its true that you miss your family and that hanging with his makes you homesick for your own, acknowledge that and own those feelings. Whether you need help around the house, want to go on a romantic weekend getaway together, or just want to cuddle while watching movies, youre entitled to it. January 20, 2012, 9:10 am. January 20, 2012, 9:13 am. I really would like to know if this LW is asking to actually do something with her boyfriend and hes flat out refusing. Have a bbq with friends. I realize going every weekend to his parents house is a little extreme, but remember too that its not just you anymore. LW I would advise you not to make it seem like you are asking your boyfriend to choose either you or his family. You could always lighten the mood a little by telling them you need time together to practice making their future grandkids. Ok fine, I actually beg DWers even to move in with me (Im looking at you, rachel!). June 18, 2014, 2:20 pm. On the weekends he spends at But it sounds like they like things just the way they are. 14 years ago. You really do have to take strong measures to get through to them. Pretty much. Personally, I would give him an ultimatumtherapy or you need to move on and find someone whos actually emotionally available. And it really annoys you when they play the victim role, and on the phone, they are sad when you tell them that you wont visit them this weekend. Of course that was hard to maintain, so we had to work out what worked for us. I agree that it is dysfunctional. It doesnt have to be the way you make it out to be though. Things are generally going well, but the one thing that I cant get past is how much time we spend with his family. Is it a deal breaker? It sounds like you and your bf just have different thoughts about how often to see family, and you need to talk it out and come to a compromise. And for the love of god, dont enforce some kind of we spend every weekend together no matter what, because its not compromising on your part and plus when you live together that sh*t gets old QUICK. This is how children are taught. As was said before, while you are dating you should be attempting to find out as much info as possible. January 20, 2012, 9:28 am. June 18, 2014, 11:08 am. Thats an attempt at emotional manipulation and its not healthy. Ann Cannon. Who knows, he might even find a girlfriend whod be willing to move in with his parents, and then hed never have to make a choice about who to spend more time with. I know many families like this. One thing that stood out was the mention of the division of expenses, LW even though you put it almost just as an aside, I think its something you really should discuss with your BF. Okay okay. The second reason is that you know you will not have any peace from his parents. If you cant deal for the long haul, then dont. OR maybe he makes more money than she does and doesnt realize the strain on her finances. But whatever you do, LW, dont make this some kind of Choose them or me test. And sorry about the relationship ramble aboveits Friday, what can I say? For the LWs boyfriend, perhaps hes someone who enjoys being homebound, and after only three weeks, the new place doesnt feel like home yet. The parents, being in a position of power, are influencing their adult children by complying to this routine or set up. if you dont want there to be issues. Break up and date a man who wants to spend time with you. I agree that some things should be discussed in more detail,for example, who pays what bill. If you dont say anything, how in the hell is he supposed to know anything is wrong? Summer and fall is half the year. We were together but doing our own thing. You SHOULD sit down and have a rational, democratic discussion about the BIG ISSUES before you move in together, if you havent already discussed them outright. But the way you spend your money, in my opinion, shouldnt change. January 4, 2021, 3:15 am. He works a road construction job that requires him to be gone every week during the summer/fall months, coming home only some weekends. Each On top of that, he got sisters who also constantly texts him and hangs out with them a lot as well. I could go off on the USs unhealthy obsession with pouring all energy and time into romantic relationships and nuclear family only, and how its bizarre how much we focus on what a loser and mamas boy you are if you dont move out at 18 and hate your parents. Really? But I wouldnt go as far to say he is emotionally dependent and his family is dysfunctional. Its different having lunch with your parents or spending a couple hours with them every weekend. Have you tried just not going? They are content with the status quo. I could sort of see this also playing into the bf still seeing his parents as his nuclear family, thus the #1 priority for his free time. I know when my husband and I finally started living together, we would see both our parents every weekend along with going to the laundry mat and grocery shopping. You also mention a somewhat imbalanced division of finances did you discuss that before moving in? My friends personalities changed drastically bitter, enraged, drug and booze binges, even suicidal ideation because losing Mommy destroyed them. I am curious of yalls ages though. I agree with you. Now that they are obviously not, it is definitely time for some conversation. At the center, authority figures in a power position, you typically have parents or other guardians. In my experience, though, it seldom works. Do you guys never visit/spend time with them? And obviously, Im also someone who is really close with family. Come on, BGM! Its entirely possible that the boyfriend is happy with the status quo, and if spending more time with his girlfriend means spending less time with his parents, hell choose the parents over the girlfriend. For every invitation I declined, four more appeared, she said. Agreed. We have a great relationship and I dont want this issue to grow into such a large issue that I cant handle it anymore one day. I lived in his hometown and so did his parents. Its not explicitly in the letter, by I got the feeling that the weekend visits to bfs family preceded the moving in together, but that she still had some weekend time to herself. lets_be_honest I get that many dont, but I dont think thats dysfunctional. OR look up state parks. You are asking how you can change him and his feelings on this and get him to grow up. January 20, 2012, 11:10 am. As with many LWs, your issues could be fixed if you just COMMUNICATE. A day at the lake or beach or some body of water? January 20, 2012, 9:33 am. Sources: Ive studied psychology and dysfunctional family dynamics for years. Its really hard taking care of yourself after a divorce, if you dont have a good career or come from a wealthy family. But it doesnt sound like its fine for the boyfriend. June 18, 2014, 12:32 pm. Honestly, if she came back here and said she suggests things to do, or frames her conversations with boyfriend differently, I would have a different response. Or rob a bank to pay for the more costly dates. The thing is, he is grown up and he has chosen to place a large emphasis on his family time. You dont have to spend as much time with the parents as your boyfriend does & he might reduce his own time there if youre not there with him. They made mistakes and making mistakes and taking risks is what being an adult is all about. Im not saying its come to that yet, but Im suggesting the LW force her bf to choose if he wont honor her wish to stay home once in a while. Parents are supposed to prepare their kids for the real world, the best that they can. I know its tough when your fellow is away during the week and you want to see him too but if it stresses you out, take yourself out of the situation. Its my little refuge, and sometimes I like coming home and just hanging out on the couch with the BF reading or watching movies. If its something that you just cant some to terms with, than it may just be an incompatibility that you two cant overcome. Its hard not knowing when a passing will No he actually does not spent 80% of time at his parents. WebHere are potential reasons why your husband goes out every weekend without you. So why are you still with him? They used to spend time in the city before living together and now nearly every weekend with his family. They live in a suburb of New York, where we live, and weve somehow gotten into a routine of spending significant amounts of time at their house nearly every weekend. ele4phant January 20, 2012, 9:10 am. Say that you were thinking more along the lines of once a month. WebSince weve been married and as bf/gf When I ask to spend a weekend or day with my family he says he's too tired. Yeah thats what I thought too, that the LW doesnt have to spend every minute there. Wow its creepy how similar this is to my ex boyfriend! GatorGirl One thing is for sure, he comes home to you at the end of the weekend, even more tired than he left. i dont know every time i go to assume anything i say the little rhyme to myself in my head. 2. Laura Hope I miss just being able to head out into the city at random, looking for things to do, which is what I did when I was single and even when my boyfriend and I werent living together. January 20, 2012, 11:06 am. If the amount of time he spends with his parents is causing an issue in his relationship, then I would say its definitely a problem he needs to address. January 4, 2021, 3:35 am. Its possible he was living at home and spending weekends with her, so he was seeing his family all week. I think the commenters who speak of the bf feeling settled and not having to date any more are correct. . According to relationship expert and dating coach James Preece, Neglecting your family and friends Alone time doesnt have to be at home (even if its sex wink wink), and if youre not there, they cant drop by! Share that with your boyfriend as well. Like I said in my comment above, I was determined to pay 50% of everything when I moved in with my now husband, but it just wasnt feasible, so we had to work out what worked for us, and I think it wouldve been better and saved me a lot of worry if we had done so beforehand. What I dont agree with, personally, is doing it interrogation style. Lets see what to do with all our weekends, vacation and generally free time what to do with all our money oh, the abortion, should I get knocked up by the way, would you want or not want to know if I was cheating on you.. Oh, what else.. who is going to do the dishes, and who is taking out the garbage.. Am I forgetting anything? To me that is a bit thorough and ridiculous. So sure, you can take his word for it, and then you keep your eyes peeled like lazer beams for the rest of the relationship. Ive been dealing with it a little bit lately, and this letter sounded kind of similar. I totally agree with Wendys 2nd paragraph. This too. Whats behind your husbands need to spend every weekend with his family? Im in the same situation as well. Now he plans for you two to live as close to them as possible. 11. Through good communication and a fair division of labor, these chores can be tolerable or even enjoyable. I think of it as the I got you phenomenon. I would blow my brains out if I were with someone who needed to do something every single weekend all weekend long, even if it were just go to a friend or family members house. Find a free movie or concert in the park, those seem to be like everywhere. Stop going to the burbs with him all the time. Not needing to have such a sterile conversation because youve given enough time to learn that about each other naturally and observe how the other person lives? If so thats just about the worst reason in existence for moving in with a boyfriend. So dont wait around for that. I can totally see this though, wanting to chill at the parents. It may not be romantic, but its incredibly smart to make sure you have all of your bases covered before taking that kind of step. also, go on Pinterest and put in cheap date ideas. I think it gives both of us an opportunity to have some alone time. I am not asking you to minimize your concerns by any means, again just to caution you about being perceived as making this a me or your family conversation. Finally my sister was like, every time you think you jokingly say please move back home, I feel like crap. i mean yeah there are certain things that happen naturally but there are certain things you have to have a conversation about. im guessing its not going to be such a big deal, he just had no idea because you didnt say anything! I dont understand why were in a relationship if he rather stay at his parents instead and not trying to build a life with me. Tired of Sharing So Much of Him. Yeah.. Once upon a time when you were little, mom and dad did know more than youbut entering adulthood is when you yourself should be acquiring knowledge just as your parents did. But I dont automatically think that they have some huge communication problem because of this one issue. If you can be open minded, its very easy to compare this way of life to a cult truly. Its a balance. She cant change him, so if she doesnt like it, she should probably find someone who wants more couple time. Five Steps for Maintaining an Open Relationship, When Do You Know Its Time to Break Up With Someone?, My Daughter is Trying to Ruin My Relationship. Trust me, I like to avoid problems just like the next person, but I think theres a difference between letting things slide and not being confrontational and willfully blinding yourself to the reality of your relationship. I talk to my boyfriend about this, but he doesnt think either he or his parents encourage this kind of behavior or that the behavior is even weird. June 18, 2014, 10:47 am. Eh. Yes. I feel like this letter would have been far more appropriate AFTER a conversation where the boyfriend shut her down. My bf is exactly the same and we have a kid he sleeps there tho and we have been together for four year i am at the end of the line now i cant deal with it no more rather than spend the nigt at home with me and his son his mam and dad showrd up and said av come to take u and he had the cheek to ask me as he was already out of the door u alright er no am not alright but get on with it, They are ruinin our relationship we just lost a baby in septemeber and things are just bad i feel lile he doesnt want to be here and doesnt love me cos if he did he wudnt want to be up there he spends 5 out of the 7 days up the in the last two month we have lived together for four years. There is a very natural way to spark further conversation on this topic and perhaps get beyond the impasse. He is an adult & his main focus should be on his relationship. Most people dont want to know about the SO cheating, not because of the cheating, but the outcome of the cheating. Haha. January 4, 2021, 3:41 am. I mean, I worked so hard to play for this place, might as well enjoy it on occasion. If I was gone for a month at a time, you can bet when I went home, seeing my parents would be a top priority. So many people spend a ton of time with family. Its completely free, gets you out of the house, and we leave our phones in the car so no chance for parent interruption! Sometimes he comes with me (although he is absolutely not obligated to do so), sometimes he goes shopping for things that he knows I have no interest in, sometimes he just sleeps and veggies out on the couch, or goes to the gym.. A picnic in the park? I consider myself to have a pretty close relationship with my own family, but they live in another state, and I really dont require seeing them more than once every 6 weeks or even being in touch more than every couple of days. Dear Ann Cannon So my only son and his wife have been married for almost four years. Not because hes wrong, or youre wrong, but because your lifestyles just dont fit together well. Its not a matter of never visiting his parents, but of not visiting every weekend. Theres also always a cold beer in the freeze. and how you spend your weekend time (in this case), i think considering the length of the LWs relationship is something they may need to talk about. Bagge72 You want to avoid jumping to conclusions and coming off as the bad guy. Occasionally, this is fine with me and I understand Im not the only person hes away from while hes gone. WebHis wife is his family now and she should be his first priority. Looking for signs and cues is, as sure you might be, assumption. Sorry for the cynicism this morningits Friday and I woke up with a head cold. if it works for you, thats all that matters. Cue unintelligble grumbling. She simply doesnt have to be at the parents place with her boyfriend that often. He considers you a party breaker because you dont want to sit all day every weekend with his family and listen to the same stories. Family events go from holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. First, they have to lead partners to interact with each other in a positive way. If the LW has just been going every weekend without their being discussion, then that has to stop now. The only respite I got was working on Sundays occasionally. Although, if this has been a pattern for him & its all he knows,& him & his family think its completely normal, the chance of getting him to acknowledge there is an issue is very slim. Firstly, it will be different for every couple, and secondly, some things you will never find out no matter how long you are dating until you move in together and go to sleep and wake up with each other every single day.. After marriage, EVERY SINGLE SUNDAY was spent at his folks house. Or he needs to retire to a place where he can enjoy just the feeling of solitary. Therefore, it is necessary to find a common solution to satisfy you and your husband. LW, what everyone else said. They just enjoy your and your boyfriends company and would be happy, it sounds like, if you never left. Because the simple fact that you are moving in together means things will not just continue as they are. June 18, 2014, 12:30 pm. It doesnt mean he loves her any less. maybe your boyfriend assumes that if you guys dont have plans, you can spend time at his familys. I can understand both sides. 15 signs he doesnt want to spend time with you 1) Hes always busy Granted, most people are busy these days. Its different than what youre used to, sure, and its maybe not something you would do yourself. Geocaching!!!! . For example, my SO knows I would love to adopt one day. That was my first thought. January 20, 2012, 2:04 pm. If one or a few things are particularly very important to you, then those will most likely be discussed just because. tbrucemom They arent her parents. 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